Happy New Years!

and a whole month went by so quickly! i was dreading Vietnam when I first got there (as my blurb below demonstrates) but now that i'm home, i miss it dearly!  my family in the U.S. is way too small. considering the fact that i do not interact much with my mom's side and my cousins aren't exactly my friends, spending time with my cousins on my dad's side in Vietnam was awesome!  i ate lots, had lots of fun and really got to know the city and its people.
riding on the back of a scooter is amazing. you feel the wind in your hair and you get to truly experience the nightlife.  when i tell people how amazing Vietnam is, i always get disbelief or a lackluster answer.  i really believe people are missing out if they do not see the wonders that Vietnam has to offer.  What's more surprising is that most of these people are Vietnamese but do not consider themselves to have any relation to the country.  Maybe i was taught to feel tied to VN but regardless of how many years I will live here, VN will always be a home that will never change.  Yes, it is dirty and polluted and the people there are rude, even disgusting at times.  But that's where we're from and we should learn to see the positives rather than focusing only on the negatives. 
Enough of that..I want to talk about what a fun time i had.  I ate amazing food, went to a hot springs resort and went to Vung Tau where I ate live seafood right off the shore.  Tropical fruits were plentiful and during Christmas, the streets were bustling with activity.  I had a late night xmas dinner with my family and for the first time in many years, felt no ounce of loneliness whatsoever.  because wherever i turned, there were people who cared and loved eachother.
I got to spend lots of time with my cousin who is a year younger than me. I find him naive but good natured.  I often think about showing him around SoCal and all the fun things that we could do with my friends.  But who knows when he'll ever get the chance to come and visit.  My older cousin also wants to come and visit but I wonder when she'll be able to make it here either.  Well, the future holds plenty of possibilities and we will all definitely meet again soon.

Blogging from Vietnam

well i'm finally here! and it is hot. and i'm tired. and i'm still jetlagged. and i can't log onto facebook (is the government blocking it or something?).  so i'm sorry because i can't respond to some of the messages on facebok but hopefully it'll work itself out soon.

well, VN is still pretty much the same. there's a lot more pollution though.  three years ago when I went with my dad, i really liked it and enjoyed here a lot. but now, i realize the environment is a big factor for me.  i miss the U.S. so much with it's clean streets and cars and polite people. and i miss him sooo much. i can't wait to go back home. i know, i know...this is the first bout on homesickness. i do hope i come to enjoy being here more.  i miss socal and my car.  can't wait.

well i should stop talking about coming back to the U.S. because it's going to be another month or so before i get back.  if you would like something from VN, please let me know so i can bring it back for you.  please, make sure it's small bc i'm positive my family will make us bring a lot of stuff back. okay, i will update more with pictures and descriptions of all the yummy food i'll eat.  yes, food, i think, will be VN's first redeeming factor for me :)

so toodles for now!

intoxicating turkey

cooked my first thanksgiving dinner and....it wasn't too bad!  food was decent if i do say so myself. but i don't think i'll do it again unless somebody realllyyyy wants it.  i was so tired by the end of dinner. i knocked out by 10 and still managed to wake up with a headache.  dang, that reminds me. i have work tomorrow :(

and of course my cute nephew was here

to do list

i must not procrastinate today and get the following done!

apps
more apps
court papers
shiseido papers

actually i also had a really nice dream.  i was in a garden and the weather was perfect.  the sky was blue and a gentle breeze was blowing.  it was amazing :)

energy vampires

mistletoe, holly and snow!

despite lots going on and being upset, i feel a little better because of the holiday atmosphere! i'm kind of excited! are you? i should blog more later but i did update the music :)

so i have a really long and expensive christmas list.  it includes:

ankle boots
winter coat
boyfriend blazer
crossbody leather bag
red scarf

and i'm sure there's more that haven't come to mind.  i also know that i won't get everything. but honestly, the only thing i want is that letter.  if i get that letter, i don't need all the other stuff.  so here's hoping for the letter this christmas.  are you listening santa? i've been a generally good girl.  yes, i do let my temper get the better of me.  but i always feel bad afterwards and show remorse, right? i know i should learn to be a bigger person.  and not let every little thing affect me.  i promise to do all that, as i've been doing. so santa, can i have that letter for christmas? i would really appreciate it. thanks! i'll even leave cookies out for you. maybe i'll leave the lights on too. yeah? thanks santa.

so my blurb turned into a letter to santa. at least i wrote something, right? and i promise to be more understanding and thankful of the people around me.  and strengthen my impulse control. yes, i agree. this is a very random blog. 

sadddd

just read up on my chances.  doesn't look good. damn it.  can't believe i'm such a screw up -___-''


:( :( :(

Recovering

I don't have good impluse control.  my emotions often get the better of me. i don't really get why i'm like this now.  i used to pride myself in being controlled and composed.  as the years go by, i get more and more impulsive.  but i also recover afterwards.  more and more, i feel guilt and remorse after losing my control.
okay, i actually have to stop. my sister and nephew are here. i will continue this later!!

annoyed

talking to dumb people annoy me.

i'm not just referring to the "ignorant" ones.  i mean the really, all out dumb.

excuse my being a bitch.  the truth hurts.
:)

Forgotten Update

It just dawned on me that i haven't blogged about my new haircut! well...i went to the salon last friday with kim and had 11 inches of my dried out/permed hair cut off. i now have a quite boyish cut.  it's the shortest cut i've had yet and at first, i really wasn't too sure about how i felt about it.  maybe it's because i wasn't used to looking at myself without the wavy locks that i've had for months.  i should have kept my hair for a bit longer seeing as i did spend $ 150 on my perm just this june.  but it was so dried out and damaged at the ends (i colored my hair after my perm too)! and my hair kept falling out after every shower! i think i was losing just as much hair as an old lady. so i decided it was time to cut it off.  and yes, i did try to donate it but people told me they don't accept permed/layered hair for some reason. i should look into that some more. i'm going to grow my hair out again.  last time i cut it short, it took me 2.5 years to grow it out to its previous length.  i probably won't leave it that long again but i will definitely grow it out.  i kind of miss my long hair already. nothing keeps my neck warm anymore! except for scarves. i should go get some more scarves :)

my haircut totaled $ 35 and i gave $ 6 tip (grand total = $ 41).  i think it was a decent price seeing as kim only cut off some of her hair and got layers for the same $ 35.  i think jin mi gave me a discount.  oh, the salon is called Kim Sun Young (check it out on yelp, it gets plenty of good reviews albeit more pricey than the average Vietnamese hair salons).   i took phuong here before too and she had her hair colored. i think the cuts and perms are more worth it though because a short hair dye job is around $ 80.  you should just go get the dyes at target or something and have someone with good hands do it for you.  my sister did it for me last time and it turned out great.  the only time i had my hair dyed in a salon was when i was in Japan.  even the Japanese stylist commented on how well my dye job was done.  my sister really has great hands when it comes to hair/makeup.  i'm just lucky :)

anyway, as you can tell, i'm in a much happier mood today. i think it has to do with the last two dreams i've had.  i'll start with the first one which came yesterday night.
so i was back in college, in a dorm.  i think it was stern but for some reason, i was in a guy's room.  and two guys were sharing the top bunk (stop being dirty!).  and for some reason, i joined them...haha (stop it! nothing gross, just layiing!).  then the guy in the middle turned over to hug me. and it gave me a really warm feeling.  it was as though he was protecting me from his friend. i won't reveal their names because people might think i'm crazy/a stalker.  but i've had dreams about the guy in the middle before and they have always cheered me up for some reason.  so he turns over to protect/hold me and at this moment, i felt as though he has answered how i felt about him and i was really happy.  then comes a scene where we're holding hands or something. but i'm not sure where. i was just really happy and content and he would look at me with loving eyes. i'm sure the dream consisted of other things but i've forgotten most of them already.  that's it.  but it was enough to leave me in a happy mood.

now the second dream.  i just had it so i remember more of the details.  and it was a really detailed dream.
so my sisters, mom and i were visiting japan.  we came and stayed at someone's house (someone we knew, apparently). then there was another mother-daughter pair who was from korea.  they were also staying at the house and we became friends.  we all went to visit the famous landmarks and stuff. i even showed my mom fuji san.  then we had to go home and the korean people told us to come visit them (in korea? i'm not sure).  then it turned scary.  we were in a morgue and we had to attack some people to find a way out or protect something. i'm not too sure but it was scary and exciting. i think we won at the end but i don't remember the details.  wow, it was such a vivid dream. but now that i think about it, the details come from the images of my surrounding.  like i could so clearly see the scenary around me, the dirt and mountains.  and how the morgue was gloomy, cast in a purplish/fuscia hue.  it was strange.

i wonder what freud would say about these dreams.  the return of the repressed? the fact that i keep having dreams about that guy should say something.  personally, i think it's a way my mind comforts me.  same with happy dreams of my mom.  i guess i've had a rough couple of weeks, nearing my brink of control.  i'm a really unemotional person when it comes to family and it is in family that i get frustrated a lot of the time.  i think my dreams bring me the emotional comfort that is lacking in my familial life.  maybe in the social realm as well. i'm not too sure. but i'm really glad i had these dreams.  they felt nice.

okay, this blog has gotten way too long. i try to keep things short and simple but they don't convey my feelings very well.  once in a while, i let myself have go off and talk about everything. yay. thanks for reading :)

stressing out

   i was really emotional today.

i bought a big bag of katsuobushi this morning thinking it was salty.  but it wasn't and i was really disappointed. especially because i spent money i didn't have on it.  being jobless is really hard. i guess i really have to eat it as a topping and not as a snack.

for those of you who don't know what katsuobushi is, it's basically bonito flakes you find on top of okonomiyaki or tofu.  those moving things.  yes, it is weird that i thought it would make a good snack. 


onto the emotional part.
i think i saw animal cruelty today.  i was visiting my grandmother when i noticed all the flies swarming around my cousin's dog.  i came closer to find out that her ears were scratched and the flies were trying to get a bite at it.  she was tied up all day and couldn't really move around.  they never bought her a dog house and only tie her to a tree.  there isn't even grass or pavement. just dirt.  they also leave the trash bins right by her little contraption of a doghouse.  she just moves around to keep the flies away as they bite her constantly.  it makes me really sad. but i don't want to get them arrested or anything.  i think i'll go and get some fly repellent for her.  maybe give her a bath and some ointment for her ears. 

i really dispise people who have pets but treat the animals like crap.  my grandmother kept telling me that they really love her and take good care of her.  i don't see that at all.  how can you keep a dog without walking it?  how can you leave her in the hot sun?  i wouldn't want to be treated that way.  ry thinks we should do something.  we probably will. i'm not sure exactly what yet. but neglect is just as bad as intentional abuse.

and worries about the future are settling in.

so today wasn't the best of days.  but i bought a card to cheer me up (from target, of course). it was perfect.

i know you're feeling a little beat up by life lately.

but nothing can keep you down for long.

you're too strong for that.

and you know what?

you don't need to worry about trying to live up 

to anybody's idea of what you should do or be.

 (the inside of the card)

just being yourself is more than enough.

i believe in you.

Memories of Matsuko

i just finished the movie.  i'm not sure if it influenced my mood or it just so happened that it was perfect for my mood.  and i wonder if i'm getting the correct message from the film.  if so, then it is a very depressing one.  someone once told me that i needed to learn how to look on the bright side of things.  at times, i wonder if that is possible.  it seems as though it is not a part i possess.

on another downer, i think i'm getting close to the line of being sick of, tired, fed up with ---. even my ----- don't affect --- anymore. i didn't intend for it as a tool but it seems to --- that it is or something. hm? strange.

miscommunication.  a word in my world.

last but not least
happy birthday mommy!
my world is not as bright without you.

fate

don't really know what to say except that i tried my best and i am disappointed.

spent the day with him which was nice. he tried to cheer me up and we had a fun time.  i really want to get away. go on vacation.  spend some decent time relaxed and stress free.  i wonder when that can happen.

he insists i continue with the next step but i'm starting to have doubts.  am i going down the right road? or is this a sign to stop and change directions? what else could i do tho?

well, at least i can now go get my haircut.  but i'll probably push it back again so that the next step is done and over with as well.

please. let everything go well and according to plans. once again. fingers crossed.

rainy days

okay, not quite. but according to the forecast, i should be seeing some rain by tuesday/wednesday.

i spent all morning till mid-afternoon attempting to paint.  not entirely satisfied so i'll wait and see if i can touch it up a bit another day.  rain and autumn makes me sad and lonely...but in a good way.  it's hard to explain.  maybe because...i get to wear my boots! :)

i kid. i like it for more than that.

well, my nephew is growing up nicely.  he dropped by to visit and was fiesty all evening.  i must admit he is one handsome kid.  and super adorable.  i can't wait to buy him his first pair of rainboots as soon as he can walk on his own.  yes, even boys need rainboots!

facebook oh facebook.  how you enable communication.  the people i'm not too fond of are right at my fingertips while the ones i really miss and want to keep in touch with stay miles away.  maybe not miles but i'm hesitant to add them because we haven't spoken in years.  and last time i tried, they weren't too happy about it.  i guess all i can do is wait and see.

we didn't take any pictures again because we feel weird asking strangers.  guess it'll be a while before i change my facebook picture. :)  we were in line to watch paranormal activity but we chicken'd out.  went home instead and watched management.  i really liked it!  it was very mellow yet interesting.  and sweet. and FUNNY. unrealistic but who needs realism in a film. especially romantic comedy? i think jennifer aniston is a pretty decent actress.  she really pulled me in with her expressions.  and the film gave me a warm feeling at the end despite the not entirely happy ending. i'm starting to think i have strange taste in film.  okay, time for bed.

btw this picture is Awesome. too bad the effects don't work here.

being gabby

feeling vulnerable after opening my mouth way too much with the relatives.


Lacan says the gaze intimidates us.  because it knows our every move.  time to be buddhist. don't sweat anything.

stay focused.

-- update:
yay for online shopping :)

almost 5 years

logged onto my livejournal account today.  hadn't realized that i had it for almost 5 years now...with 100+ entries. wow.

decided it was time to create something new.  afterall, it wasn't used under the best circumstances. but change is hard. so i guess i'll keep it for my more darker thoughts :)

a new playground. romanticized.