two months in!

unlike my post below, i've adapted and my old habits are catching up to me.  i spent no time studying today. i just watched drama.  terrible, i know.  well, i'll make tomorrow worth it by waking up early and working all day. HOPEFULLY.

i used to think being in love with love is ridiculous.  well, i've pinpointed why i always tend to fall in love with dramas, their characters and corresponding story line.  it's because i've fallen in love with the idea of love as portrayed in the drama.  i know it's entirely unrealistic and won't aid me in my endeavors in any way.  but i can't help but find happiness in watching the warm affection that crosses all limits and boundaries to find happiness.

in particular, i was perplexed by this bit of story line.  girl is in love with a guy who loves her just as much but circumstances separate them (due to no fault of their own).  another guy stays by the girl's side through many years to help her and support her along the way.  he waits and hopes that one day, she would "understand" and accept. 

in many ways, he's just as much of a good man as the girl's love.  he might actually be more considerate than the other guy.  but she doesn't love him.  no matter what he does, she feels no love besides the love of a dear friend for him.  initially, i thought, "oh, i guess nice guys do lose at the end."  the girl's love wasn't exactly a perfect citizen. you could characterize him as a bad boy turned good through her love and understanding.  but back to the "nice guy."  he lost no matter what he did or how he tried.  did he lose because he was a good guy?

no.  because another girl loved him the entire time too.  she faithfully stayed by his side as well.  she might have been the "good girl" who lost.  however, i think that it's true what they say. you can't control love.  no matter how hard you try, love is something dictated not by reason and analysis.  rather, pure passion and emotion controls the path it takes. 

again, this is not always the case, however.  i would like to believe that love can be born after years of devotion and patience.  i have yet to see this happen.  however, its existence would show that effort and devotion matter.  i'd like to believe that these elements make the world a better place.

the big step

now that i've made that big step, i realize how big a commitment post-undergrad work is. i'm exhausted.  mentally and even physically because i've never had to sit still for so long. my days have been filled with class, reading and eating intermittently.  i don't really enjoy eating as much anymore.  all the anxiety and stress has gotten to my appetite.  the next few years seem like a really long time.  now i realize that i'm a romantic.  i had once believed it was okay just to immerse yourself in work.  that's not the case for me.  the dramas really are an escape.  they help me relax but at the same time, make me envious.  i'm talking about the romantic comedies.  not so much all the heartache from the dramatic ones.  and i really miss my nephew!  i have so much work to do this weekend.  it doesn't look like i'll catch up much.  i need to go home and get fitted for an ao dai.  then there's the 2 weddings in october.  i need to find a way to balance my schedule.  i want a free day to do nothing school related as well.  but it looks like i will have to do some work each day.  again, i'm hoping this works itself out.  i was so tired today.  but it's a new type of exhaustion.  i hadn't realized it until i woke up from a 2 hour nap that i didn't know i had taken.  i'm also tired right now as well. i will probably go to bed. 

hoping for the best <3

my cute nephew always cheers me up

disappointed

can't we all just get along? or try to? or be more conscientious?  understanding? take the people around us into consideration?

living with people is difficult.  even with family.  i hate it when people are blind.  to the things mentioned above. as well as to their own biases.

fighting off a summer cold

i caught something over the weekend and i'm still recovering.  i have a lingering cough which necessitates nyquil. which makes me sleepy.  so i'm fighting off sleep at this. very. moment.

in other news (as i try to keep my eyes open), i have started running again.  you don't realize how out of shape you are until you attempt something that you've always been good at.  for me, that was running the mile out on the track.  in the past, it was never a problem.  i always pulled it off without breaks in decent time.  but today, wow.  i took so many breaks and my heart was working extra hard.  i took an extra 5 minutes or so than i had in the past.  it made me a bit depressed.  oh well, gotta suck it up and try to do better.  i'll attempt it again on friday and hopefully this cold will be completely gone by then.

onto more girly topics...my skin has gotten back to normal.  i experienced a week of extremely dry patches on my face.  i had to go buy softener (something I had never used) in hopes of helping out my thirsty/dehydrated skin.  but it's better now. i don't think it's the softener itself.  more so my skin recovering.  i think it might have been the sekkisei sun protector because i experienced it right after i started using that. hopefully there won't be any other problems.

i spent more money i didn't have tuesday.  after buying the softener over the weekend, i bought myself a cute summer tod baker bag from nordstroms.  it was so cute and it looked even better as a crossbody.  i couldn't resist. i contemplated returning it but decided i might as well keep it.  i would have spent the money somewhere else anyway? yes, this is me justifying my shopaholic problem. 

i really would like to purchase a decent blush sometime soon.  but i've without the cash.  :(

i'm thinking of either nars orgasm, bobby brown multi shade tint, or a shiseido face color.  i guess i'll hold off on it until there is some major discount available.  which could be never? :(

happy july 4th!

well, it's offically over. i thought i could make it but it's july 5th right now.  oh well.

update?

so after much searching, i found the new kose sekkisei sun protector online and bought. it came a few days ago and it feels almost exactly like the shiseido sunblock that i've been using!  i hope it doesn't break me out and actually works at preventing hyperpigmentation.

cosmetics and skincare combine to make a multi-billion dollar industry that suck young girls and women into finding ways to look "beautiful", a term everyone understands is subjective. despite this, we grow up trying to live up to some version of it.  hopefully, it manages to make us FEEL beautiful.

on the verge

i should be going to bed. haven't really worked out much since my last post. and i'm about to turn another year older.  depressing, no?

excuse the rambling.  introvert on the outside. extrovert on the inside. if that makes any sense. 

zz

get back in shape!

not just physically but also mentally.  i've been letting myself go, taking the easy route.  but i need to be taking care of my body as well as my mental state more.  i was extremely irritated today. for lack of a better term, i was pissed.  i felt so out of control -- by not having control.  i've also realized that i have an ego (yes, ha ha) as well has have pride(?) issues.  i know it's bad but i feel so protected with it. i guess i need to tone it down a bit but at least i have some form of a defense mechanism.  right?

iope sunblock white spf47

I have been searching for a powerful sunblock with whitening power to prevent pigmentation (freckles and sun spots) for a while now.  My sister recently bought the Laneige Star White Multi-protector and it has what I want in it...BUT it's so darn sticky on the skin.

I've gotten so used to Shiseido's super liquidy sunblock that I cannot stand the sticky residue the Laneige sunblock leaves behind.  One of my coworkers says she uses the Iope Sunblock white and she really likes it.  I tried it on in the store on my arm and it does feel LESS sticky than the laneige sunblock. However, it is still a cream.  I have yet to find a different whitening sunblock that is affordable.  The Iope one is around $35 for only 2 fl.oz. so that's already gosh darn expensive for a sunblock.  I heard the Dior Snow sunblock is good but it's around $50 (more than I'm willing to spend).

I've been searching online for reviews of the Iope sunblock but alas, to no avail!  Has anyone tried this sunblock besides my coworker??? Is it even suitable for younger skin? *SIGH*  I wish they gave out samples so I could try it on my face for a few days.  This really stinks.

summer nights

no, not the grease song. i find myself staying up late for no other reason than not wanting to go to sleep.  ridiculous, i know. especially since these nights will be the last few opportunities that i will have for a while to sleep as much as i want for as long as i want.  i shouldn't take them for granted. i am a bit sleepy right now but i don't want to go to bed. 

ok i've made up my mind. bed time!

oyasumi!

reverting back to my regular self?

or more so getting over my latest craze.

anyway, i found out that i enjoy thought provoking phone conversations.  too bad they've been on the non-existent side lately.  and staying up late has made me develop night time munchies.  i'm really hungry right now and could use a giant eggroll.  yum.

vietnamese food really is the best.

dosokai

strange how interesting this is. and how i'm rooting for the other side.  strange.

crazy obsession: RESTART

i find Jung YongHwa to resemble kim hyun joong but look a lot younger and manlier.  i guess he looks like KHJ before his surgery. haha OMG i apologize for the following craziness...

he's so cute and talented! i lot his hair! and his style (or maybe just korean guys)! his band has a pretty good song out right now called Lonely and dang can he sing! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!! sooo cute!!!

his character is totally jinhoo from BOF but more aggressive! i like!  indulge in the following pictures and clips will come later bc it's already midnight soon! :)

  look at those lips! yum ;) lee min ho mixed with kim hyun joong anyone?

  very Kim Hyun Joong

Very him, perfect in his own way :)



sorry for the fangirl blog!

Updated wishlist

i probably should call this a new one because i don't even remember what i wanted before! i'm going to try the laneige strawberry yogurt peel gel tonight and see if i like it...well see if my skin is okay with it!  i hope i do and it is! and i also want the mask! ok ok, so here's the list:

laneige strawberry yogurt peel gel
laneige strawberry yogurt pack
shiseido face color (blush) in pk304 (BUT i just saw a different shade at nordstroms so i might have to check that out first before i decide on which one)
shiseido color stick in champagne or peach blush
lancome eyeshadows (because i love them and lancome is having a promotion with a super cute tote bag!!!)

i want so many things but i don't want to be broke :(
i guess all the makeup is not as important as the face stuff so i'll work my way down the list?!

drama update

WOW, i had a really intense Friday evening.  I watched the season finales of Grey's Anatomy and Gossip Girl. AND i watched the last 2 episodes of Personal Taste.  okay, since i watched PT last, i will start the rant about it first.

AND WOW. it was such a good drama.  the story line was new and different.  the characters were really developed (well, at least the 2 main were).  and Lee Min Ho and Sohn Ye Jin are both amazing actors.  they were so expressive!  okay, on to the last 2 episodes.

i have to say ep. 15 disappointed me a little in that there was a small amount of dumb heroism.  jin ho (LMH) wouldn't tell his side of the story straight. granted that it was in line with his character but it dragged it on a bit.  i also got a bit irritated with how Kae In (SYJ) was so quiet when it came to the other dude and his dad. omg were they annoying.  but overall, i guess the episode was okay and ending great because it showed the beginning of Jin Ho regaining his backbone and stepping up to Kae In's dad.

But ep. 16 really took the cake!  it had angst, sorrow, happiness and sheer sugar (if you get what i mean).  so many kisses and even a semi-sex scene? well i wouldn't call it that but they supposedly slept together finally. it was really sweet how it was carried out tho.  no laying the female lead down and blacking out the scene.  i loved how Kae In grabbed Jin Ho's hand and let him feel her heart beating quickly.  it was so Kae In and the way Jin Ho reacted was also Jin Ho-esq.  it was super sweet and really brought those 2 together. then it followed with silly sweet moments and Jin Ho finally proposing to Kae In.  i thought it was also a nice touch with Kae In losing the balloons. hahah. overall, great episode and a great ending to a great drama :)

i was wondering why i liked Sohn Ye Jin so much since The Classic.   i think i've liked her in almost all of her movie works (i.e. a moment to remember, the art of seduction etc.) and this would have to be my favorite drama of hers.  okay, back to the topic.  i think Sohn Ye Jin is quite beautiful and natural in her looks.  she doesn't look like a typical korean girl or actress.  and i bet she wears very little makeup.  she's just so gorgeous naturally and cute at the same time.  and she has so much depth in her acting and expressions.  she is definitely my favorite korean actress, if not simply my favorite actress.

And Lee Min Ho has been redeemed by this drama.  i HATED him in Boys Over Flowers because he overacted so much and i think i have a very biased opinion because i hated goo hye sun.  gosh she is such a terrible actress and annoying.  ugghh, i'm not going to ruin my happiness from talking about her. honestly, i think BOF was a big failure and didin't capture the essence of hana yori dango.

ANYWAYYYYY i will definitely miss Personal Taste and i laugh at the people who don't enjoy it.  seriously, SERIOUSLY? there's so much to appreciate in PT that if you don't recognize it, you're either really slow or lack taste.

onto Grey's Anatomy.  it was an intense finale and really good and really exciting and fun overall. not overly bloody to me either. i think that was what caught my attention at first.

Gossip Girl was eh. it was okay and interesting. i guess my favorite part was the bitching out blair gave to jenny and how jenny was sent away and won't be back for a while :)

i'm going to continue with You're Beautiful. it's funny but nothing compared to PT.  and hopefully i get to watch more of sunao ni narenakute. but that's unlikely :(

ja ne!

food photos

so taking pictures of your food is really big right now.  but i always forget to take the picture before digging in.  on the rare occasions when i do manage to remember to take one, i would forget about it or its location on my computer. 

today, i actually found a few.  these are dishes at George's Thai Bistro in Costa Mesa.  I think they're from different visits but one is of a chicken pad see eew and the other is a duck curry dish.  both were DELISH.

New Love

i am absolutely in love with corals right now.  i've always found the shade to be attractive and beautiful but recently, it just seems so perfect for the season.  after finding my nail polishes to have somehow disintegrated into a substance almost like water, i went searching for the perfect spring nail color.  and i found my favorite shade of coral in a bottle of Rimmel London Lasting Finish Pro in Sunset Orange. the color is so pretty and it's supposed to last up to 10 days.  the polish itself is neither too thin or thick.  i spent $ 3.75 on it (i think) and it is my first nail polish that isn't less than $ 2.  i'm cheap when it comes to polishes because i always think of them as being too temporary and will usually end up dried or separated somewhere on my nightstand. but for this gorgeous, i made an exception.

i didn't do a very good job of painting my nails because i was watching Kick Ass at the same time.  that movie was....well let's just say the last few segments made up for the entire movie :)

toodles :)

sitting on a full stomach

just got back from dinner with my dad at kabuki. i didn't realize it was happy hour so we ate more than usual.  i'm super full and so is my dad.  too bad all of my favorite items weren't on the happy hour menu. but anyway, my craving for kabuki has been satiated which is good because we're on a tight budget this month.

on a different note, i am totally in love with these pictures.  erika sawajiri looks absolutely beautiful in them and her eye makeup is gorgeous! if only i could do that for my eyes...

Spring 2010 Drama List

I am currently watching

Sunao ni narenakute (Japanese)
Personal Taste (Korean)
Oh My Lady (Korean)

That's it? yes, i'm surprised at myself too.  the other series don't interest me much but maybe i'll sit down and watch Cinderella's Sister (Korean).

I just finished Oh My Lady yesterday and I will miss Chae Rim and Choi Si Won.  It was funny when the ex-husband was singing Sorry Sorry right as he met CSW. :)

Sunao's release is soooo slow. it's losing my focus because it takes forever for it to be updated and be watched by me.  I hope it picks up.  I don't know who i'm rooting for because Eita is cute with Ueno Juri but Jaejoong is cute and sweet too.

My favorite this spring would have to be Personal Taste.  Although i disliked Lee Min Ho in Boys Before Flowers, i absolutely ADORE him as Jeon Jin Ho.  He's funny, clever and sweet.  and of course i've always loved Son Ye Jin since The Classic.  she has aged a bit tho but i think she's still compatible with LMH in this series.  i don't know if i should wait for all the remaining episodes to be released before i watch them or continue on with the 2 a week pace.  last time i waited, i wasn't into the drama anymore.  but that was Autumn's Concerto and i think it lost steam towards the end. anyway, i'm on ep. 12 and i'll probably wait till 13 and 14 are out before i consider watching it.  i'm sure more angst sets in from this episode on out with the evil ex best friend and ex bf. heee heee.

<3

stuff i want to buy

mac moisturizing lip tint
mac blushcreme
100% pure eyeshadows
milani eyetech liquid eyeliner

i'll probably go to the mall for mac and wait for 100%pure to come back on hautelook.  who knew makeup could be so addictive? even when i'm not wearing any!

UPDATE:

i bought the MAC lip tint in petting pink (for $14.50) and i love it! it's very smooth and the color is sheer.  decided to wait on the blushcreme because i don't use makeup often and i have a lot of my shiseido powder blush left.

i'm still waiting on the 100% pure stuff and passed on the milani eyeliner.  i think it will probably be very similar to the covergirl one that i bought a while back and NEVER USED.  the liquid eyeliners don't work on my eyes because they take a while to dry and i tend to smear them when i blink.  i'll probably give it away or throw it away. or let it sit in my makeup bag until it dries up...=/

pondering and pondering

well, i'm on my break again.  so lately, i've been growing more irritable.  it may be everyone else.  but most likely, it's just me.  i don't understand why i've grown up to be much more ...how do i say it...critical? picky? things that would never have bothered me in the past get to me quite easily nowadays.  i often wonder why that's the case.  i think my personality has changed drastically with the end of high school and beginning of college.  but it wasn't just the changing environment, people and circumstances.  actually, it was just that. and myself. and my changing view of the world. 

i guess what's considered critical can be something special. i just have to learn to keep it to myself.  and make it a habit of being more understanding and easy going. and yes, optimistic.

sorry for this rambling on and on. i really have no idea what i'm really talking about. oh well. bye for now <3

vegas was AMAZING!

 i had such a great time despite the little bumps along the way.  i finally got to do what most kids (err people) my age do.  i got to take a road trip with friends. i got to stay up late and party. i got to drink and dance. i got to step outside of my comfort zone and take risks albeit little ones! all in all, it was so much fun and i can't wait for another trip to vegas or wherever. there is indeed some truth to the saying that it's not where you go but who you go with. and luckily, i was exploring vegas with great company.

the trip to vegas was pretty decent although i did become a bit impatient. we stopped at bob's big boys burgers for lunch at the insistence of ry.  the food was decent but nothing too special.  ry will contest otherwise. then we continued on to vegas.

we went to XS and moon at the palms.  they were nice clubs but i have to admit that i miss v20.  at least we didn't have smoke in long beach and there were actual tables for us to sit at without having bottle service.  we ultimately left early on both days.  but the buffets made up for what the clubs lacked.  the food was delicious and i believe we ate all that we paid for, if not more!

i had vegas withdrawal for a while.  i missed having friends around all the time and not having restrictions again.  it was fun to just decide to do something and do it without much consideration.  but being home was also good because i got to sleep all the hours i gave up while in vegas.

so in conclusion, i had a great time but i'm also glad to relax at home.  next year will be tough so i'm glad i will have these memories to think back to.  toodles for now.

hm? i have no idea what to title this!

i realize that i've been updating from school more so than from home.  i guess i just always have something better to do (i.e. the tv) when i'm comfortable on the couch. well, i've been consistently jogging 3-4 days a week for the past 3 weeks! i'm so proud of myself! i don't think i'm losing much weight but i feel better and possibly firmer!

and vegas is next week! i'm super excited for all the food and fun (hopefully) but i always have that tiny bit of worry at the back of my mind over things not going right. i'll just have to have an open mind and be willing to harmonize so that we will all have fun.  and buffets! all my exercising might be going to waste but a decent buffet is always worth it! and i am a late bloomer when it comes to vegas so i deserve it. heehee

on a calmer note, i found the breakfast burrito from the snack shack to be quite the treat! not only is it yummy but i don't feel so bad about myself after indulging in it...yes...2-3 times a week! it's organic eggs, potato skins (with some potato on it), cheese (very minimal) and salsa de gallo all on a whole wheat tortilla! it doesn't weigh my stomach down either and i don't go in a food coma.  thinking about it makes me want another one. maybe tomorrow or thursday..:)

i still haven't decided on what to buy: the night time moisturizer or the cleanser.  and we need to get the tickets! and i have to call the fin. aid office! and read some. i think this should be plenty for an update. toodles!

p.s. i'm excited that sawajiri erika is making a comeback. even if she's a diva, i think she deserves to be. she's hot, talented and interesting!

Foods to avoid

i feel like this blog is becoming the "morning-after-full-of-regrets" list of unhealthy meals.  yes, i did it again.  no, it wasn't a tuna melt.  after a night of productive (or so i would like to hope) exercising, i started today with a chicken mexicano burrito from baja fresh.  i thought...hey, it's chicken and beans (which has protein) and rice and cilantro (carbs and possibly veggies --which i did add later), that's gotta be healthy.  boy was i wrong.

i feel gross again.  i think it's the tortilla that makes me feel so full. or just the size. i need to learn to have portion control somewhere in my diet.  well, i will not have another REGULAR burrito again for breakfast.  except for the whole wheat ones.

so the list so far of foods to avoid: tuna melts, burritos

a quickie!

had ANOTHER tuna melt. i feel absolutely gross considering how i've been trying to eat healthy, exercise and lose weight. i have class in about 7 minutes so gotta make this quick.  read up on some health news on msnbc so i'm gonna try a few different exercises and maybe go to henry's to grab healthier snacks for home. but i also want to go to urban to find that dress! i guess i can make up some exercise on thursday bc ry will be out of town.

i really wish i had learned ballet when i was younger. or some type of physical activity.  maybe i'll go to a salsa class this friday (it's only $15 a session).  i think i have to watch my weight because i'm pretty sure i have more fat than is obvious.  that will take its toll on my health sooner or later. maybe go grab a decent pair of running shoes today. omg i need a job!  well, one with more hours at least!

downtime

i just had a decent tuna melt (of course not on par with the ones at GBC) and have some time to update. 

all my life i've been told to be smart and intelligent.  i study and went to school. i even managed to graduate.  but that same encouragement always perplexes me.  because, after all, i was told to BE intelligent. can one BE intelligent? or is it something that is innate and inherent...
there are various different types of "intelligent" people that i've met throughout the course of my life so far.  there are those who are so smart that they radiate it without spouting big words and complicated sentences. there are those who try hard and speak with clarity and understanding.  and there are those who seem to use their entire being to portray their "smarts".   i don't know which category i fall into (probably none of the above bc i'm a slacker at heart!).  but i tend to respect the formers more so than the latter. but how do you judge? how CAN you judge?  do grades correlate with being intelligent? does knowledge of many things imply wisdom? i have no idea. what does schooling mean?


that's probably why there are those who drop out of school. well, that's all. from the perspective of a slacker :)

SO SUPER EXCITED!!

EXCITED!!

sundays

sundays make me melt. why? because i stay home to hang out with my dad. it isn't much hanging out because after breakfast and the usual morning errands, he goes to nap in his room until late afternoon. during this time, if i'm lucky, i have something interesting to watch. if not, i slowly melt as i watch random stuff online or on tv, nap intermittently and get fat through snacking. by 5 pm, i'm likely to be a pound heavier as i melt and melt some more. i miss saturdays. saturdays are always more fun. USUALLY.

i have to go volunteer tomorrow. lame. the courthouse is seriously super boring.

deja vu

it's funny how time is invisible and extremely powerful at the same time. you would think that something without physical form or shape would be relatively weak. but time is not. it is a force that everything must adhere to.

i ran into a few familiar faces over the weekend.  rather than feeling happiness or excitement, i felt awkward and tried to get away.  it wasn't just this weekend.  since i've been back in oc, i've bumped into old friends. or should i say former friends. once the closest people to me, they have become parts of my past. i know what you're thinking. i should take the initiative to reconnect. but things have changed. and they are still changing. even if i were to try, the connection wouldn't be the same. in a way, i would feel much worse knowing that despite our efforts, our relationship would be a mere shadow of what it once was. or maybe it's my antisocial nature. i don't know.  but the memories will remain beautiful. at least to me :)

summary

i will try and sum up the last few days (or has it already been weeks?) in the next few sentences.

i started Autumn's concerto and fell in love. with the story, characters and actors. and as you can see, i found another picture to be part of my umbrellas, lovers and rain collection.
i fought and made up. and fought again. and made up again.
i advised my dad on certain things. he ignored them. and then chaos ensued. thereafter i lost my temper. that's about it. oh yes, i started school. had a few obstacles. but managed to get full time.

i guess the overarching theme is...lots of emotional instability for me.

work this weekend...

actually just tomorrow and saturday. and i am not looking forward to it. why? because i will be working with a bunch of curazyyy asian ladies who will probably bite my head off. and yes, that includes the customers. why? because i will be working at westminster mall and there is supposedly a big event going on. another reason why i'm dreading work this weekend is because my boss (or supervisor?) will be there to make sure i know the products and techniques well enough. *sigh* i don't like being under stress. i mean, it IS just a part time job but i can't help but want to perform well. yet i really can't because i've really only worked 25 hours. wow. here's hoping for the best!

and i will try a new look tomorrow. hopefully it makes up for the bangs that i butchered this morning. or it might not. i should probably go to bed so i can wake up early enough to not freak up and mess up my face tomorrow. *crossing fingers!*

-______-'''

i want to swear it off!!!

yes, use only the usual until friday :)

the miracles of makeup

so ever since i started working for shiseido, makeup has suddenly become my passion. well, not passion but i'm definitely more interested in it now. i actually want to BUY some makeup rather than use my single eyeliner forever. and all the samples i get from my sisters. well, i have powder and blush etc. now and i really want to learn new looks and stuff. so i go to youtube and watch michellephan and ahanhbarbie (i guess they're makeup gurus) to learn.  it's really fun to watch and imagine how i would apply it. but when i try it on myself, i have to be honest, i HATE the feeling of makeup on my face.  i feel like i can't touch my face at all, let alone scratch my eyes which i ALWAYS do.  i just prefer my solitary eyeliner. well, i don't mind so much for work because i know i have to wear full makeup.  and it's for money. i mean, i make money by wearing makeup to work so it's okay in my mind. but on a regular basis, i don't know how people do it.  i don't even like to wear all that junk on my eyes to go out.  i tried the whole eyes look and i hated it. yesterday i just did liner and mascara but i still hated it. so alas, i'm back to the solitary eyeliner. oh well. i think i'll save my makeup money for the usual stuff i aways buy: SKINCARE. hahaha i LOVEEE skincare products. and i think they're much more worth it. and of course i love to shop for clothing :) which reminds me that i just made a purchase on UrbanOutfitters. i'm super excited for it. i hope they fit right...wish me luck!

i'm sorry

i hate that i'm critical and condescending.  i shouldn't look at things that i don't understand through those eyes.  the harshness of life is ever changing for each and every one of us.  i'm sorry. i hope that you peacefully rest.  i will remember the artist.

it's raining

and i'm loving it. spent all day curled up on the couch watching dramas :)
i love to do this on rainy days because it reminds me of the time i used to spend with my mom and dad in their bed watching chinese dramas together for hours.  on cold days and especially on rainy days. i love that feeling and today, i felt it close by.

there's a word that i can't think of right now and it's on the tip of my tongue but...arrggg!!! -____-'''

Update:

I GOT IT! COMPROMISE!

okay, so what i was trying to write but couldn't because i couldn't find that word was...

if i ever compromise my principles or values for self-benefit (i.e. love), i will really hate myself.  so i'll try to live my life in a way where that won't happen. okay. toodles.

reading

i want to be a well-read person.  my dad is one.  he's read almost all the books i've ever heard of and some.  but i can't.   well, i won't (i guess).  of all the literary works that my dad has introduced me to, i haven't found one that has captivated me enough. 

english majors at berkeley are amazing. because they really are well-read.  i promised myself i would use this year to catch up on my leisure reading. i guess that could be a new year's resolution.

and i always forget to put tags in.

splurged...so now i have to save???

so my xmas 09 wishlist included: boyfriend blazer, ankle boots, leggings, and some other stuff that i don't quite remember...-___-
oh yes! i remember now: a crossbody leather bag!

okay so...because i was in VN during xmas, i didn't get anything nor did i buy anything.  i was thinking "yay! perhaps i can save money this year!" but alas, it was not meant to be. because i went to get my car's oil changed at sears.  while we were waiting, i was "window shopping" at nordstrom and macy's where my eyes fell upon these gorgeous (at the time) ankle boots! i tried them on, almost danced to and from the mirror and lifted them up to see the price. $ 110 -----> :(

i listed to ry and stayed away.  i didn't even asked if they were on sale (because there were signs that said all boots were on sale).  i went home and did my normal routine.  remembering they were nine west, i went to the homepage to just look at the pair again to satiate my cravings.  to my surprise, they were 30% off on the site with free shipping! i couldn't resist.  after another $ 83 on my already HUGE credit card bill, i now have my boots.

they were so cute.  even when i received them, they were gorgeous. i tried them on again and i was soo satisfied.  but then today, i wore tights and tried them on.  to my dismay, my tiny ankles made the booties look huge on my feet. -____-''' they're still decent looking and i still have the look i was going for...but...gorgeous they are not.  *SIGH* well i can't return them because i wore them out already thinking my eyes were tricking me.  i could be obnoxious and try to return them.  but i don't think i'll find another decent pair and i did get a pretty good deal for them? i will keep them.

so for some, i might have splurged on the booties.  and now, i can't spend without feeling guilt.  i did spend a bunch of moniess on grad school applications.  oh what to do....especially since i didn't get a taste of the after christmas sales.  oh the pityyyy!

futari de

it's true that any form of art is at its peak when the artist is in a state of sorrow or melancholy.  i'm actually not so much that right now.  i'm really thankful for my dad's health and my own health.  i'm thankful for having a loving family, both here and in Vietnam.  i'm thankful for having the opportunity to better myself.  i'm thankful for having a sweet and caring bf.  i'm thankful that my little family is surviving.  i'm thankful that we laugh, if not everyday, then every week.  i'm thankful for the memories of good friends.  i'm thankful for the present, easygoing friends.  i'm thankful for the opportunity to move forward.  i'm thankful for the beautiful rain.  i'm thankful for the warm sunshine.  i'm thankful for the music in my life.  i'm thankful for the skills, if not talents, that were passed down to me.  i'm thankful for the "qui nhan" or valuable people in my life who open up paths and lead me down them.  i'm thankful that happiness does exist, if only in bits and pieces, in a painful existence.  i'm thankful for the lessons that i have learned.  and i'm thankful for the motivation to learn from them.

Meeting My Grandfather

This recent trip to Vietnam gave me a lot of memories.  I got to see the city, its people and the new generation that will represent Vietnamese youth to the globe.  I'll save my comment on that for later.  The most enlightening experience from this trip came from the opportunity I had to speak with my grandfather.  Although I have met him before once (that I actually remember), I actually got the chance to sit down and talk to him.  Recovering from his recent stroke, he lies in bed most of the time.  His memory comes and goes and we often laugh at how he would forget who my dad is.  I was really glad that my dad had the opportunity to see his father again and spend some time with him.  Since my mom died, I really want to be there for my own dad and so I was glad the two got a chance to reunite.  I didn't actually talk to my grandfather until 2 weeks into our trip.  We were always surrounded by family members and I mainly just asked him if he knew who I was. So one day, when my dad was out, I walked down the stairs to grab a snack.  I passed by my grandfather's room and I see him sitting up instead of his usual lying down.  He was just sitting there, not really doing much.  So I decided to come in and talk to him.
I asked him if he knew who i was again.  He nodded and said I was a granddaughter; my dad's daughter, more specifically.  He asked me about my mom.  He still doesn't know that she passed away almost 5 years ago.  We didn't want to shock him so we had just kept the news from him.  So I responded that she had to work and couldn't come on vacation with us.  I don't know if he believed me but somewhere along the way, I remember all the tales my mom used to tell me about this grandfather.  She had said that he was a hard-headed, conservative man who opposed my parents' marriage.  He went out of his way to prevent their union and he was almost nonexistent in my childhood.  She often spoke of him with dislike and resentment.  But with her passing, and his current health, I realized that nothing really matters anymore.  I used to dislike my dad's side of the family because of what had happened to my own mother.  But there is really no point in holding onto the resentment and I felt happy to keep him company.  I even felt happy when I tried to cheer him up. I then changed the subject and talked about how my dad wanted to visit the small town where he grew up.  My grandfather smirks and asks why he would want to go back there.  Everyone they once knew is gone, either dead or moved away.  I said I wanted to see the house where my dad grew up in and wanted to see how big it was.  My grandfather's face suddenly changes and he had tears in his eyes.  "They took everything.  All my sweat and tears, I worked for everything I owned.  I didn't steal or tricked people.  My wealth came from my own hands." My grandfather was referring to the Communist regime that took away his wealth.  Called "Hitting the Bourgeoisie" (my loose translation), the regime took away my grandfather's 10+ houses, land and monetary wealth after winning the Vietnam War.  I later asked my dad what exactly went on during this time.  According to him, the Communists came into the south and leveled the entire playing field by taking away any wealth it could.  Any family that was considered bourgeois and had more wealth than the government designated level had everything taken away.  They sent people to guard outside my grandfather's house to make sure no one could transport anything away.  Meanwhile, a cadre inside would go through and calculate what could be taken away.  My grandfather tried to bribe him by giving him a large house of his own so that they could reduce my grandfather's actual estate on paper and so have less taken away.  Although this worked initially, the regime decided that if they couldn't "take the cow, then they would take the pig." If that didin't work, they would "take the chicken." What this meant was they would continually lower the designated level so that they could take away any wealth that was available in the south.  So finally, they took pretty much everything and left my grandfather with a tiny fraction of what he originally worked hard for.   Soon thereafter, the regime created something called the "Popular Court" (again, my loose translation).  The Popular Court had the civilians decide who had become rich by harassing and stealing from the poor.  The cadres oversaw the proceedings and immediately sent the people condemned by civilians to be shot within a few minutes of the decision.  It was then my grandfather's turn.  The regime had taken most of his wealth and wanted to put him to death.  He stood still as he heard his crimes.  He was #5 in the top 10 richest merchants of the district.  He had a son who was working for the old government and was then a prisoner of war (my dad).  The cadres asked the civilians present how my grandfather made his wealth.  Hands shot up into the air and everyone exclaimed that "while everyone was sleeping, he was working.  He worked all the time and that was how he created his wealth."  Embarrassed, the cadres couldn't kill my grandfather and labeled him a part of the "dynastic wealth" (l.t.). This meant that my grandfather had used his wealth to help the cadres win the war and so, he could keep his estate.  However, there was really nothing left.  It was a way the cadres saved face.  But my grandfather survived.  When the other bourgeois heads of family hung themselves after the devastation, my grandfather lived.  And now, he's 84.
Despite his tears, he cheered up immediately when I told him about how well everyone in our family is doing.  We then spoke about other, more cheerful things.  After a while, he became tired and took a nap.
This old man had once been such a great man.  My dad told me about how generous my grandfather was.  He would help out people.  Rather than befriending other wealthy people, my grandfather considered the common working man the more honest comrade.  The communist ideology seems quite similar to my grandfather's beliefs.  Ironically, rather than creating a happy family, they only exemplified the inhumane nature of thieves.  They leveled society by taking away wealth.  But presently, they are the richest of Vietnam.  Cadres own hotels and drive BMWs.  Meanwhile, civilians remain poor and live in crowded and dusty alleys.  The streets experience heavy traffic.  Construction work is never completed and become a factor that pollutes the city.  Amongst all this, there is one truth. Lies and propaganda can only go so far.  Their tails have shown through their disguise.
Even now, I see my grandfather's dignity and honor.  Although we aren't rich now, we've inherited very valuable things from him.  And to this day, they remain in all of us.