work this weekend...

actually just tomorrow and saturday. and i am not looking forward to it. why? because i will be working with a bunch of curazyyy asian ladies who will probably bite my head off. and yes, that includes the customers. why? because i will be working at westminster mall and there is supposedly a big event going on. another reason why i'm dreading work this weekend is because my boss (or supervisor?) will be there to make sure i know the products and techniques well enough. *sigh* i don't like being under stress. i mean, it IS just a part time job but i can't help but want to perform well. yet i really can't because i've really only worked 25 hours. wow. here's hoping for the best!

and i will try a new look tomorrow. hopefully it makes up for the bangs that i butchered this morning. or it might not. i should probably go to bed so i can wake up early enough to not freak up and mess up my face tomorrow. *crossing fingers!*

-______-'''

i want to swear it off!!!

yes, use only the usual until friday :)

the miracles of makeup

so ever since i started working for shiseido, makeup has suddenly become my passion. well, not passion but i'm definitely more interested in it now. i actually want to BUY some makeup rather than use my single eyeliner forever. and all the samples i get from my sisters. well, i have powder and blush etc. now and i really want to learn new looks and stuff. so i go to youtube and watch michellephan and ahanhbarbie (i guess they're makeup gurus) to learn.  it's really fun to watch and imagine how i would apply it. but when i try it on myself, i have to be honest, i HATE the feeling of makeup on my face.  i feel like i can't touch my face at all, let alone scratch my eyes which i ALWAYS do.  i just prefer my solitary eyeliner. well, i don't mind so much for work because i know i have to wear full makeup.  and it's for money. i mean, i make money by wearing makeup to work so it's okay in my mind. but on a regular basis, i don't know how people do it.  i don't even like to wear all that junk on my eyes to go out.  i tried the whole eyes look and i hated it. yesterday i just did liner and mascara but i still hated it. so alas, i'm back to the solitary eyeliner. oh well. i think i'll save my makeup money for the usual stuff i aways buy: SKINCARE. hahaha i LOVEEE skincare products. and i think they're much more worth it. and of course i love to shop for clothing :) which reminds me that i just made a purchase on UrbanOutfitters. i'm super excited for it. i hope they fit right...wish me luck!

i'm sorry

i hate that i'm critical and condescending.  i shouldn't look at things that i don't understand through those eyes.  the harshness of life is ever changing for each and every one of us.  i'm sorry. i hope that you peacefully rest.  i will remember the artist.

it's raining

and i'm loving it. spent all day curled up on the couch watching dramas :)
i love to do this on rainy days because it reminds me of the time i used to spend with my mom and dad in their bed watching chinese dramas together for hours.  on cold days and especially on rainy days. i love that feeling and today, i felt it close by.

there's a word that i can't think of right now and it's on the tip of my tongue but...arrggg!!! -____-'''

Update:

I GOT IT! COMPROMISE!

okay, so what i was trying to write but couldn't because i couldn't find that word was...

if i ever compromise my principles or values for self-benefit (i.e. love), i will really hate myself.  so i'll try to live my life in a way where that won't happen. okay. toodles.

reading

i want to be a well-read person.  my dad is one.  he's read almost all the books i've ever heard of and some.  but i can't.   well, i won't (i guess).  of all the literary works that my dad has introduced me to, i haven't found one that has captivated me enough. 

english majors at berkeley are amazing. because they really are well-read.  i promised myself i would use this year to catch up on my leisure reading. i guess that could be a new year's resolution.

and i always forget to put tags in.

splurged...so now i have to save???

so my xmas 09 wishlist included: boyfriend blazer, ankle boots, leggings, and some other stuff that i don't quite remember...-___-
oh yes! i remember now: a crossbody leather bag!

okay so...because i was in VN during xmas, i didn't get anything nor did i buy anything.  i was thinking "yay! perhaps i can save money this year!" but alas, it was not meant to be. because i went to get my car's oil changed at sears.  while we were waiting, i was "window shopping" at nordstrom and macy's where my eyes fell upon these gorgeous (at the time) ankle boots! i tried them on, almost danced to and from the mirror and lifted them up to see the price. $ 110 -----> :(

i listed to ry and stayed away.  i didn't even asked if they were on sale (because there were signs that said all boots were on sale).  i went home and did my normal routine.  remembering they were nine west, i went to the homepage to just look at the pair again to satiate my cravings.  to my surprise, they were 30% off on the site with free shipping! i couldn't resist.  after another $ 83 on my already HUGE credit card bill, i now have my boots.

they were so cute.  even when i received them, they were gorgeous. i tried them on again and i was soo satisfied.  but then today, i wore tights and tried them on.  to my dismay, my tiny ankles made the booties look huge on my feet. -____-''' they're still decent looking and i still have the look i was going for...but...gorgeous they are not.  *SIGH* well i can't return them because i wore them out already thinking my eyes were tricking me.  i could be obnoxious and try to return them.  but i don't think i'll find another decent pair and i did get a pretty good deal for them? i will keep them.

so for some, i might have splurged on the booties.  and now, i can't spend without feeling guilt.  i did spend a bunch of moniess on grad school applications.  oh what to do....especially since i didn't get a taste of the after christmas sales.  oh the pityyyy!

futari de

it's true that any form of art is at its peak when the artist is in a state of sorrow or melancholy.  i'm actually not so much that right now.  i'm really thankful for my dad's health and my own health.  i'm thankful for having a loving family, both here and in Vietnam.  i'm thankful for having the opportunity to better myself.  i'm thankful for having a sweet and caring bf.  i'm thankful that my little family is surviving.  i'm thankful that we laugh, if not everyday, then every week.  i'm thankful for the memories of good friends.  i'm thankful for the present, easygoing friends.  i'm thankful for the opportunity to move forward.  i'm thankful for the beautiful rain.  i'm thankful for the warm sunshine.  i'm thankful for the music in my life.  i'm thankful for the skills, if not talents, that were passed down to me.  i'm thankful for the "qui nhan" or valuable people in my life who open up paths and lead me down them.  i'm thankful that happiness does exist, if only in bits and pieces, in a painful existence.  i'm thankful for the lessons that i have learned.  and i'm thankful for the motivation to learn from them.

Meeting My Grandfather

This recent trip to Vietnam gave me a lot of memories.  I got to see the city, its people and the new generation that will represent Vietnamese youth to the globe.  I'll save my comment on that for later.  The most enlightening experience from this trip came from the opportunity I had to speak with my grandfather.  Although I have met him before once (that I actually remember), I actually got the chance to sit down and talk to him.  Recovering from his recent stroke, he lies in bed most of the time.  His memory comes and goes and we often laugh at how he would forget who my dad is.  I was really glad that my dad had the opportunity to see his father again and spend some time with him.  Since my mom died, I really want to be there for my own dad and so I was glad the two got a chance to reunite.  I didn't actually talk to my grandfather until 2 weeks into our trip.  We were always surrounded by family members and I mainly just asked him if he knew who I was. So one day, when my dad was out, I walked down the stairs to grab a snack.  I passed by my grandfather's room and I see him sitting up instead of his usual lying down.  He was just sitting there, not really doing much.  So I decided to come in and talk to him.
I asked him if he knew who i was again.  He nodded and said I was a granddaughter; my dad's daughter, more specifically.  He asked me about my mom.  He still doesn't know that she passed away almost 5 years ago.  We didn't want to shock him so we had just kept the news from him.  So I responded that she had to work and couldn't come on vacation with us.  I don't know if he believed me but somewhere along the way, I remember all the tales my mom used to tell me about this grandfather.  She had said that he was a hard-headed, conservative man who opposed my parents' marriage.  He went out of his way to prevent their union and he was almost nonexistent in my childhood.  She often spoke of him with dislike and resentment.  But with her passing, and his current health, I realized that nothing really matters anymore.  I used to dislike my dad's side of the family because of what had happened to my own mother.  But there is really no point in holding onto the resentment and I felt happy to keep him company.  I even felt happy when I tried to cheer him up. I then changed the subject and talked about how my dad wanted to visit the small town where he grew up.  My grandfather smirks and asks why he would want to go back there.  Everyone they once knew is gone, either dead or moved away.  I said I wanted to see the house where my dad grew up in and wanted to see how big it was.  My grandfather's face suddenly changes and he had tears in his eyes.  "They took everything.  All my sweat and tears, I worked for everything I owned.  I didn't steal or tricked people.  My wealth came from my own hands." My grandfather was referring to the Communist regime that took away his wealth.  Called "Hitting the Bourgeoisie" (my loose translation), the regime took away my grandfather's 10+ houses, land and monetary wealth after winning the Vietnam War.  I later asked my dad what exactly went on during this time.  According to him, the Communists came into the south and leveled the entire playing field by taking away any wealth it could.  Any family that was considered bourgeois and had more wealth than the government designated level had everything taken away.  They sent people to guard outside my grandfather's house to make sure no one could transport anything away.  Meanwhile, a cadre inside would go through and calculate what could be taken away.  My grandfather tried to bribe him by giving him a large house of his own so that they could reduce my grandfather's actual estate on paper and so have less taken away.  Although this worked initially, the regime decided that if they couldn't "take the cow, then they would take the pig." If that didin't work, they would "take the chicken." What this meant was they would continually lower the designated level so that they could take away any wealth that was available in the south.  So finally, they took pretty much everything and left my grandfather with a tiny fraction of what he originally worked hard for.   Soon thereafter, the regime created something called the "Popular Court" (again, my loose translation).  The Popular Court had the civilians decide who had become rich by harassing and stealing from the poor.  The cadres oversaw the proceedings and immediately sent the people condemned by civilians to be shot within a few minutes of the decision.  It was then my grandfather's turn.  The regime had taken most of his wealth and wanted to put him to death.  He stood still as he heard his crimes.  He was #5 in the top 10 richest merchants of the district.  He had a son who was working for the old government and was then a prisoner of war (my dad).  The cadres asked the civilians present how my grandfather made his wealth.  Hands shot up into the air and everyone exclaimed that "while everyone was sleeping, he was working.  He worked all the time and that was how he created his wealth."  Embarrassed, the cadres couldn't kill my grandfather and labeled him a part of the "dynastic wealth" (l.t.). This meant that my grandfather had used his wealth to help the cadres win the war and so, he could keep his estate.  However, there was really nothing left.  It was a way the cadres saved face.  But my grandfather survived.  When the other bourgeois heads of family hung themselves after the devastation, my grandfather lived.  And now, he's 84.
Despite his tears, he cheered up immediately when I told him about how well everyone in our family is doing.  We then spoke about other, more cheerful things.  After a while, he became tired and took a nap.
This old man had once been such a great man.  My dad told me about how generous my grandfather was.  He would help out people.  Rather than befriending other wealthy people, my grandfather considered the common working man the more honest comrade.  The communist ideology seems quite similar to my grandfather's beliefs.  Ironically, rather than creating a happy family, they only exemplified the inhumane nature of thieves.  They leveled society by taking away wealth.  But presently, they are the richest of Vietnam.  Cadres own hotels and drive BMWs.  Meanwhile, civilians remain poor and live in crowded and dusty alleys.  The streets experience heavy traffic.  Construction work is never completed and become a factor that pollutes the city.  Amongst all this, there is one truth. Lies and propaganda can only go so far.  Their tails have shown through their disguise.
Even now, I see my grandfather's dignity and honor.  Although we aren't rich now, we've inherited very valuable things from him.  And to this day, they remain in all of us.